“If you want to grow and be free to explore life, you cannot spend your life avoiding the myriad things that might hurt your heart or mind”.  [The Untethered Soul; the journey beyond yourself. Michael A. Singer]

There has been an overload of cyber bullying bulletins in the news for the past few weeks, as teenager suicides are directly linked to online bullying. A quick search on Google for cyber bullying, comes up with a plethora of results relating to children and young adults, and yet this is a topic which afflicts people of all ages and from all countries who have a social media presence.

Last Christmas I received a beautiful set of family photographs from a lovely friend on Facebook, who lives in the States. At the same time she let me know that she was reducing her presence in most of the groups and forums where she had been active, because of comments from other members which were unkind, untrue and left her feeling marginalised and as though the world had turned against her.

A few months ago, another friend lamented on her status that she loved her job, but felt that being the sole employee in her own very successful business, which relied heavily on internet marketing and social media, made it hard to make meaningful friends. A long phone call over a bottle of wine later, it transpired that she too had been marginalised in a group; in a discussion on professional practice, she’d been made to feel the odd one out. Several personal emails from others in the discussion, reassured her that her opinion was valid – but – these same people asked her to understand that in the public social media arena, they would back the holders of the opposite opinion, as those people were perceived to be “the cool ones. The movers and shakers in that group”. By taking that position, that resulted in this friend being left without anyone to ‘talk’ to within that group.

I’ve experienced the selective ‘cutting and pasting’ of words sent by private email, being published on Facebook, without context but with a few choice words of the poster’s own – and then being blocked so no response could be made. When this resulted in seeing about 6 ‘friends’, with whom I had never had a single cross word, also blocking me in order to be seen to be sympathising with the publisher of the selective cutting and pasting, together with being blocked from a group whose creator had been the same person to advise on communicating to the Facebook ‘cutter and paster’ in the first place, I realised that the word ‘friend’ in the virtual world, has a very different meaning to the definition in the real world.

This all happened long enough ago for me to put it to the back of my mind and to form a new way of operating and communicating online. Until a friend (a real one) mentioned a pointed comment which had been left on a blog post; cleverly worded to avoid any accusation of nastiness. Only the fact that she too then experienced blocking and un-friending by the writer of the comment and several of her collective friends, underlined that the comment had indeed been designed to cause tears, hurt and sidelining.

Because my business is photography, all my personal experiences of this topic have come through this field. A very wise friend with a lot of industry experience, once told me that she thought this would be because photographers have a creative ego. And that ego can blot out all normal and socially acceptable behaviours. But although this may be part of the reason, I cannot accept that a creative mind excuses behaviour which results in complete unhappiness. It might drive professional jealousy -as in the case of one photographer who had such a terrible experience second shooting a destination wedding in unused to very high temperatures, that she then let everyone she knew who would also be second shooting that season in the same situation, that it was the main photographer herself who was the problem. Something much more fundamental must be fuelling this subtle cyber bullying amongst adults as it is not confined to photographers alone. A small business client of mine, was shocked to find her product brand and therefore her business ethics, being publicly shredded on a public page on Facebook.

Many of the perpetrators of the subtly bullying comment and subsequent blocking and “sending to Coventry” share some traits: very low self esteem, zero confidence in body image, debt, relationship breakdown, incurable illness, arbitration of customer complaints and depression within the family home are the shared traits which spring instantly to mind. None of these have any direct link to being a photographer, or practitioner in any other creative profession. None of them are valid excuses to behave in a way that ensures the person on the end of the action feels as miserable as the bully. They are all though, used as reasons for the bully to obtain sympathy and backing. And, possibly, fear from others that if they don’t go along with the bully, they will be accused themselves of being part of the cause of the significant problems in the bully’s own life. Someone saying to someone in fear of their life through illness, that they behave in a despicable manner, is likely to feel they would draw down huge condemnation of their own opinion and therefore character in that regard.

I am not going to excuse myself as an angel, or say that online we should all fall into line and agree with everything everyone else is saying. I become passionate about subjects and can bring heat into any discussion. I can, and have done, flare up and say things which I later regret – and apologise for. But I haven’t, and don’t, participate, or condone, the “sending to Coventry” (or ‘blocking’ ) of anyone, just because someone else has told me they deserve to be blocked. I don’t send emails many months later (which yes, has also happened), accusing someone repeatedly of an action which they haven’t taken. I don’t name in any public forum, my personal grievances with individuals. I don’t repeat these actions to the extent that the recipient feels so hopeless that they state they “don’t want to be here”. I don’t name individuals who have a different opinion to me and tell the world that their opinion is invalid and worthless – and so are they.

The bullying, does not have to be active to be bullying behaviour. Those who stand to one side and allow the bullying to take place, by saying “I just want to concentrate on my life” or “I don’t want to get drawn in” – are perpetrating the unhappiness as much as the active participant. If someone can’t stand up and say “No, that’s wrong. It is immoral to not consider the consequences of your words and actions on another’s mental health and quality of life”, then they are guilty of tacit yet unspoken agreement.

As for me, well, I’ve requested no further communication via my personal email. This year I have concentrated on what is really important and good in my life. My children, my partner, my parents, my photography, my writing. I’ve developed new online relationships with new boundaries – and I’ve firmed up old ones by becoming real friends in the real world. I’ve taken a good mental step back from where I was. I’ve seen the behaviour that was turned on me, now being turned on others in turn. And I’ve seen the people who behave that way, group together in the real world and present themselves as unprofessional and, in some respects, rude and dysfunctional.

And I turn around and refuse to let it touch me.

Your comments would be very much appreciated on this important subject. Please leave them below. And then move to the next in the Sisterhood Circle, lovely Audrey. Thank you x